”How can you be prepared when you lose a family member?” – Kirsten Ohlwein on Marie Fredriksson

Last time we shared Kirsten’s thoughts here was January this year. The title was 1001 nights without Marie referring to the time that had passed by since 18th April 2016 until then. Kirsten finished her writing with these words:

To the next 1000 days!

P.S.: In case something interesting comes up, don’t be surprised if you see an article from me here, anyway.

We wouldn’t have expected that not even 365 days pass and we welcome her thoughts again. Better said, we wouldn’t have expected that instead of ”something interesting” it is now the saddest thing happened why she shares her thoughts. Tons of us feel with her, we’re very sure about it, but not many of us can put these feelings into words as beautifully as Kirsten does. We’re all heartbroken.

I haven’t put my thoughts into words yet. My postings are coming straight out of a survival mode feeling. I try to breathe, I try to work, I try to sleep, I try to eat.

We all knew this day would come. I tried to prepare myself. And if you had asked me on Monday or right before the news hit me, I would have told you with all my heart that I let go of her a while ago, that I don’t expect her to reach 70, that her body is just exhausted. I would have told you that I am prepared for the worst. Just to realize a day later that you are prepared until you are not.

And how can you be prepared when you lose a family member? And yes, that’s exactly what she was for me, a family member. An important one. Like a bigger sister who constantly offers you support, love and understanding coming with the greatest voice this planet ever had. How convenient! (Well, and a bigger sister I had a crush on for a while as well..)

When I was struggling, when I felt down, when I was beaten, I turned to her and she offered comfort. And so she did for the past 28 years.

She was a force to be reckoned with. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She beat a disease for 17 years, when everyone else who suffered the same shit survived two.

She never gave up, she overcame aphasia, a total loss of speech and she fought her way back to life JUST LIKE THAT. Her first words after a long period of silence? The chorus of Dangerous. She lived for what she loved. She loved to live.

She came back to give us and her TWO WORLD TOURS which took an incredible amount of energy and time she could have spent with her family. The travelling, the concerts, us, the fans.

She was so nervous before the NOTP, a nervosity and anxiety she couldn’t shake for weeks. And why? Because she feared that people wouldn’t want to see her anymore, that they would have forgotten about her.

She stayed, she fought, show after show, until she couldn’t anymore. She was so grateful that she was able to do it after all she had been through. She soaked it up like it was the essence of life, and it was. She was so grateful that we were still there, supporting her, showing her love.

And we were grateful to be able to be part of this once more. Roxette made me find people who became some of the most important people in my life, they still are my closest friends.

And I am sure when my grief subsides, I will be nothing but grateful that I got to know this special, so special woman. A humble, strong, grateful woman. A person who enjoyed every moment, who lived in the moment, who was WITH YOU and you only when you talked to her.

On the other side of my grief I can also grab a tiny feeling of relief. I hope she is in a better place now, finally, after letting go of a body that didn’t want to be no more. I hope she is free, I hope she sings them all some songs wherever she is. I am relieved her suffering is over. And I am sure, yet, while she surely suffered a lot, she didn’t go without a fight. Because she never did.

And personally, for me dying became a lot easier. I know whom I will meet when my time has come.


Still is from this video


1001 nights without Marie

The article is written by former member of RoxetteBlog, Kirsten Ohlwein. Kirsten decided to leave RoxBlog in June 2018 and I’m sure a lot of fans have been missing her words since then. We missed her too, but now we are happy it seems that once in a while we can welcome her and share Kirsten’s writing on our blog. Here is her thoughts on the time passed by since 18th April 2016.

“It was a rainy day in October 2018 when I suddenly counted days without realizing it at first. I wondered for how many days the Roxette how we were used to know it (Per and Marie) didn’t exist anymore. Of course I couldn‘t figure out the exact number on my own and then I didn’t give it any further thought anymore, but some days ago I suddenly remembered it and I checked online. I wanted to know the date of the 1000th day. I put the date (18th April 2016) on a website… and it told me, yes, the 1000th day of the Roxette non-existence is 12th January 2019, Per’s 60th birthday. Nothing but a coincidence, but it put a sad smile on my face anyway.

1001 nights without Marie. And yes, I don’t count her rare appearances with releasing songs on her birthday in 2017 and 2018 and one song in winter 2017. Those are old recordings. It’s not that she was in the studio recently and decided to record them. Yes, the videos are new, I know. And still… everything is different.

1001 nights without Marie. And I realize that I let her go much earlier than I thought I would back on that day in April 2016. Yet – it took me a long time to accept the truth. You can’t let go something or someone easily  that was so close to your heart for such a long time, that gave you some of the best memories in your life, that made you meet some of the best people in the world, people that became close and even closer friends. In autumn 2016 I started to come to terms with the fact that I would never see her in person. Ever again. That was the hardest part for me, and it still is. For the simple reason that she just appeared in a room and recharged my batteries instantly. For the simple fact that she made my life better just by singing a song being on stage in front of me, by smiling at me or by radiating with love and joy.

1001 nights without Marie. I made my peace with her having disappeared from all the stages, from public, living her life in privacy, surrounded by the people she loves. Because she nothing but deserves this so much. Who else showed death the finger and survived against all odds?

1001 nights without Marie. She proved me wrong. After April 16th, I had hoped for another miracle, for her to be too stubborn to give up, to be back in no time. Now I know she didn’t give up, it was just a necessary next step. She accepted it, she acted accordingly. She cheated death, probably more than once, she went on two world tours after that, she learned new songs despite the fact that she can’t read properly anymore, she recorded three Roxette albums within five years.

Pic by Kirsten Ohlwein

Do I still miss her? Yes, very often!
Do I still think of her? Yes, every day when I wake up and see her face tattooed on my calf.
Do I still hope for a wonder? No, we already had more than one.
Did I let go of her? Yes, the day I got her face on my calf forever. It’s a full stop. Everything came to a halt.
Does this article have any relevance? No, but why does it have to have relevance?

Do you still miss her?
Do you still think of her?
Do you still hope for a wonder?
Did you start to let go?
Do you think all of that has any relevance?

Today, and I can of course only speak for myself, I am happy that she is such a private person, living such a private life. I don’t want to know how she is doing, I don’t want articles in Swedish press, I don’t want press statements, I want her to live in peace, to sit at a table in the sun and enjoy life as much as possible.

And with this article I want her to thank one more and one last time for giving me the best time of my life, the emptiest bank account of all times, the best memories that I carry in my heart forever and the best vocals in some of the best pop tunes ever written!

Today, 1001 nights later, 1001 nights without Marie later, there is nothing but gratitude!

Last year I left the RXB team, because I felt it’s time to let that part of me go, too. A huge chapter in my life book is closed for quite some time now. I won’t stop following the fan pages or Per’s activities, but there won’t be any more concerts, I stopped purchasing new releases and I don’t consider myself an active fan anymore. So, this is my goodbye message to everyone out there in the Rox world that I know or those who know me! Thanks for all the meetings, the fun, the waiting in freaking heat or unbearable cold, for travelling with me, for understanding me, for still staying in touch with me, for some of the best years of my life! Gratitude, nothing but gratitude. Time flies when you’re having fun, right?

To the next 1000 days!

P.S.: In case something interesting comes up, don’t be surprised if you see an article from me here, anyway.“