Exactly 150 days have passed since Roxette cancelled their summer tour 2016 and in the same second ended their career as a touring band. 150 days until September 15th, a day that means a lot to many people.

I wasn’t even aware of the date until I read about it this morning on Facebook. I don’t really connect it to Marie’s illness. Yes, it was the day they let us know about it, it was a Sunday, never will be forgotten. But she knew before and everything happened before this day (in my world), so it’s not really a day of significance to me. Maybe September 11th, maybe not.

Photo: Gaby Hildebrandt

Photo: Gaby Hildebrandt

However, 150 days have passed since finally happened what was supposed to happen. We all knew it would happen, and many of us were actually waiting for it, not being able to see Marie struggle on stage any longer. It was a relief, it was a disappointment. It was the saddest moment in the history of Roxette for many fans, it was yet a step that made many of us just sit and nod silently in understanding and sympathy.

Now, 150 days later, finally the feeling of finality got to me. I woke up two days ago and missed Marie badly. I did before in these 150 days, but this was different. I thought of her, the many concerts I was able to join, her smiles, her voice, her moves, and suddenly I realized we will never have this again. Never.

I thought of this before, but I never felt it and now the feeling got to my heart and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. How silly, really! She’s not dead, I thought. Get over it! You have  your own life to live. But still, she was and still is a part of my life. For 25 years and for the rest of my life. She is part of my system.

It feels like she was kind of a battery that never ran low, she always provided strength and gave me energy to move on, even in the darkest hours of my life and even in the darkest hours of HER life. She never failed to do that and suddenly it feels like someone unplugged me from this battery. There is no more energy to come from this source; the source I got used to so much during all those years. I wondered why it felt like this, we had times of no messages, photos and concerts before. I remember seeing her now and then in the Swedish newspapers when she attended a concert or something else: even when she was ill.

But this is different for a significant reason: We had the best six years of our fan life. We saw Phoenix rising again, we saw her getting stronger and better again every night, we certainly helped her doing it, we connected with our favourite band in a very new and very special way. Somehow it felt like we finally became a family, as strange as it sounds. We became a family until the day we didn’t. The day we realized we didn’t – because not even family couldn’t prevent April 18th from happening. And while I was so disappointed that fate didn’t let them at least end their 2016 tour, now it’s about feelings. Här kommer alla känslorna på en och samma gång. Yes.

And even when she struggled so much last year with all the travelling – she still sent her waves of love, power, strength to the world and reached thousands of people. Yes, I miss her. I hope she is doing fine, enjoying the quiet and good life she of all deserves the most. Sitting on a table in the sun with her red roses and her beloved ones. That’s maybe all we can wish for.

We still hope for a life sign now and then. A photo, a video, a message. Don’t we? No, she doesn’t owe us anything. But you won’t deny your joy when we got that lovely little video 108 days ago, will you?

And while I am still trying to get over all of this, I hope that she thinks of us now and then with a loving smile on her face. We certainly do.

If you feel up to, send us your best meeting story or photo with Marie and let’s celebrate this special kind of love. The photo you see in the article has been taken in Amsterdam 2011. Marie came out and was in a great mood. She hugged almost everyone who stood there and it felt like she was very happy to see us. We gave her roses, talked to her and enjoyed every second, so did she. Gaby was quick enough to take this photo when she hugged me.