”How can you be prepared when you lose a family member?” – Kirsten Ohlwein on Marie Fredriksson

Last time we shared Kirsten’s thoughts here was January this year. The title was 1001 nights without Marie referring to the time that had passed by since 18th April 2016 until then. Kirsten finished her writing with these words:

To the next 1000 days!

P.S.: In case something interesting comes up, don’t be surprised if you see an article from me here, anyway.

We wouldn’t have expected that not even 365 days pass and we welcome her thoughts again. Better said, we wouldn’t have expected that instead of ”something interesting” it is now the saddest thing happened why she shares her thoughts. Tons of us feel with her, we’re very sure about it, but not many of us can put these feelings into words as beautifully as Kirsten does. We’re all heartbroken.

I haven’t put my thoughts into words yet. My postings are coming straight out of a survival mode feeling. I try to breathe, I try to work, I try to sleep, I try to eat.

We all knew this day would come. I tried to prepare myself. And if you had asked me on Monday or right before the news hit me, I would have told you with all my heart that I let go of her a while ago, that I don’t expect her to reach 70, that her body is just exhausted. I would have told you that I am prepared for the worst. Just to realize a day later that you are prepared until you are not.

And how can you be prepared when you lose a family member? And yes, that’s exactly what she was for me, a family member. An important one. Like a bigger sister who constantly offers you support, love and understanding coming with the greatest voice this planet ever had. How convenient! (Well, and a bigger sister I had a crush on for a while as well..)

When I was struggling, when I felt down, when I was beaten, I turned to her and she offered comfort. And so she did for the past 28 years.

She was a force to be reckoned with. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She beat a disease for 17 years, when everyone else who suffered the same shit survived two.

She never gave up, she overcame aphasia, a total loss of speech and she fought her way back to life JUST LIKE THAT. Her first words after a long period of silence? The chorus of Dangerous. She lived for what she loved. She loved to live.

She came back to give us and her TWO WORLD TOURS which took an incredible amount of energy and time she could have spent with her family. The travelling, the concerts, us, the fans.

She was so nervous before the NOTP, a nervosity and anxiety she couldn’t shake for weeks. And why? Because she feared that people wouldn’t want to see her anymore, that they would have forgotten about her.

She stayed, she fought, show after show, until she couldn’t anymore. She was so grateful that she was able to do it after all she had been through. She soaked it up like it was the essence of life, and it was. She was so grateful that we were still there, supporting her, showing her love.

And we were grateful to be able to be part of this once more. Roxette made me find people who became some of the most important people in my life, they still are my closest friends.

And I am sure when my grief subsides, I will be nothing but grateful that I got to know this special, so special woman. A humble, strong, grateful woman. A person who enjoyed every moment, who lived in the moment, who was WITH YOU and you only when you talked to her.

On the other side of my grief I can also grab a tiny feeling of relief. I hope she is in a better place now, finally, after letting go of a body that didn’t want to be no more. I hope she is free, I hope she sings them all some songs wherever she is. I am relieved her suffering is over. And I am sure, yet, while she surely suffered a lot, she didn’t go without a fight. Because she never did.

And personally, for me dying became a lot easier. I know whom I will meet when my time has come.


Still is from this video